Anyway, I'll start at the top, but I have to emphasize that that's only a technical term, and by no means is any indication of how productive they are. Also, Jack is very sensitive to a thing called operational security (OPSEC). This is a process by which no sensitive information is leaked (either accidentally or on purpose) to the enemy. With that in mind, and, of course, Jack being Jack, the following individuals have been disguised to protect their actual identities. Family members and friends not to worry. I have disguised them with actual features that should help you recognize them through personality-paralleling augmentations I've made. So here we go....
Our first team member is Russ O'Daniell. He runs around this place like he thinks he's the boss. Unbeknownst to him, he is actually Jack's puppet (Jack is wringing his hands). I will give him this, though. He has the nose of a bloodhound. He is extra sensitive to cigar smoke and "man spray" as reported by his roomies. I'm thinking he might actually be a werewolf because of his heightened senses, we don't see him much at night and he is deceptively docile during the day. I believe the term is silent-but-deadly, oh wait, that's a fart--my bad. He's also the oldest of the crowd (old fart I guess). We've guessed his age to be somewhere between 60 and 70--another reason he may actually be an immortal. He looks more like 55. He also needs some hair, so Jack took care of it.
Next is Tim Crouch. A positive for this guy right off the bat is that he has the same first name as Jack's alter ego. Again, he's a bit docile during the day, but Jack believes that's because he doesn't get enough Peanut M&Ms. I believe he might actually be trying to bribe someone and may actually be working for the Taliban because he keeps getting shipments of cookies. All of the locals keep coming in and looking for the cookies since they're suspiciously near his office. Jack is definitely keeping his eye on this one.
Next is someone we all affectionately refer to as "DC." He is a unique individual who prides himself in teaching everyone pickup lines with, what he calls, his deep sexy voice. Don't get him sweating though, cuz he doesn't stop. Sometimes he starts sweating when he uses his deep sexy voice, and we all have to leave the room--he's just too irresistible when that happens! By the way DC=dark chocolate.
Wow, the next guy is a piece of work (a grease fire actually)--Aaron James. Ever since being introduced, by Jack, to Facebook (part of Jack's overall master plan) his name has become "Facebook Freak." Every waking moment he has, he's logged in. Funny thing is, he's not very interesting, so I don't know what people could possibly be looking at on his Facebook page. Secondly, don't eat with him. As I've told him while we're eating, my grandma could gum her food faster than he eats his. He'll be eating and all of sudden stop, put his utensils down and zone out for like five minutes. Obviously he's thinking about Jack in all his manly glory, but it is a bit embarrasing to Jack when there are others at the table. Finally, he's the only one of us who carries a "murse." That would be a man-purse. At least it's black, which is an authorized Air Force color. I don't look too closely at the murse's contents because I'm afraid I might actually find lipstick or mascara in there----Jack just doesn't want to know!
Next is Dave "Wile-Beast" Wilde. He's the king of escorts and concrete deliveries and is right brutal at it too. I swear he's made some of them cry. He's also the source of the man-spray problem in Russ' hooch. One thing he can do is scrounge. From steaks to uniform items, if you can get it with a "drug deal" he'll get it for you. He also can't seem to get enough of the Maxim and Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue magazines. Hard telling why he reads them so often, but, again, this is information Jack doesn't really want to know. He also needs hair, so I used a suitable hat as part of his disguise.
Finally we have Justus Upperman. Yes I said Justus, and that is what he's just dying to hand out--Justice. We call him "Death Blossom" since if he ever went off base with an automatic weapon, you'd definitely want to stay away from him. He tends to be a bit loose with the trigger finger on an automatic weapon. He's also a bit distrusting of the locals around here. He's tried to fire (not fire ON, but he would) everyone from the local national engineers in our office to any contractor that pisses him off. He also has an addiction just as serious as Aaron's. We also call him the Playstation Pimp. We thought we knew why he was having hand cramping problems until we saw that he had a gaming machine in his room--OH, THAT'S the real reason. You all figure it out. Jack's not going to spoonfeed you through this blog!
Well, Jack's spilled his guts on his teammates, so hopefully all of you wannabes are a little more informed of the competence levels Jack has to deal with. Yes, it's difficult, but Jack's up to the task. After all, he is a one-man weapon--Jack out!
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